Had enough of lying to yourself and others?
Pick up the phone and take the first step to recovery
In September 1996, I was admitted to a North London Rehab. I had lost my father and my partner had left me with our young baby and all of this had, in my eyes, contributed to my breakdown.
I was assessed by the doctor and then a physiatrist. After the test, it was explained to me that the amount of drink and drugs I was taking made it clear to them that I was in active addiction and, as it transpired, had been for a number of years. I was then advised to go into the addiction treatment programme of the hospital for 28 days.
I was unsure what that entailed but I was very desperate so was willing to give anything a go. I was very shaky for the first couple of days and I remember being extremely frightened and being helped with what seemed at times to be an overwhelming ball of anxiety. The counsellors sat me down and started to explain to me the many different ways in which I had been using my addiction to avoid my feelings. An example was the fact that I smoked cannabis heavily on the morning of my father’s funeral because I was unable to cope with my grief.
I began the process of linking my behaviour to my addiction. One of the ways which helped me with this was group work. We had to sit every morning for one and a half hours in a process group, which was very hard going because it made me look at myself and sit with my feeling; something which I had avoided for most of my life. The group would question you if they thought you were not looking at your part in something and also support you when you needed. It was an incredibly powerful thing to be involved in. I started to realise that I was not alone with my feelings of low self esteem and anxiety which by this time had made me fearful of almost everything and everybody. During my treatment they introduced me to the 12 step recovery programme and I was given the step one worksheet on which I had to list how my addiction had affected me and other people. On completion of the step work, I had to read out my step in group and my peers and the counsellor would give feedback, for example, in an area where I may have been unable to see my part in something or where I was in a place of denial around the amount of chemicals I was consuming. Listening to my peer’s step work also helped remind me of some of the things that I had forgotten and identifying the feeling helped me out of a place of feeling alone.
Provide a reason[s] for choosing the experience or activity
I choose this experience because it has totally transformed my life after many years of being in the dark from my feeling and me. It helped me on the road away from active addiction and into a place of knowing myself and how I feel, free from the chemicals which had previously blocked me. The experience I went through was the reason that I wanted to become a counsellor.
Show how you use this self-awareness in your practice
I have found reflecting back to how I felt at the beginning of my treatment extremely helpful in my work in a drug and alcohol treatment centre as the client usually arrives in treatment full of anxiety and I remember being the same. I can also identify with how in the transference I saw my counsellor as the punisher and pulling from that I can reach a deeper understanding and empathy for the client and an understanding that I may represent someone from the past. My addiction counsellor reminded me of a teacher in my secondary school. When the clients find it difficult to see how the use of chemicals have affected their lives, I can draw from my own experience of being in that place and remember what I found helpful to have some clarity around the subject. Therefore, I would ask the group to give the client some feedback and the client can usually get what they need to enable them to move on. I can remember that it was helpful for me to get positive affirmation to help me focus on why I was in treatment when I found all the feelings coming up overwhelming, which made me feel like leaving treatment. I talk to the client on a one to one basis and give them feedback on how far they have come and remind them of the truth about their life in active addiction.
Quite often in periods of the 28 day treatment the client can go into rationalizing their addiction and I can remember going through that phase and of how I had been helped out of it by my peers pointing out the facts which I had given them previously through my life story and step work where I had identified that chemicals had in fact caused me many problems .I also use some self discloser to help the clients see that if you do what is suggested you can remain clean from chemicals I can remember my time in treatment and how important it was for me that my counsellor was an addict and had been down the same path as me. In addition, in my work I have found this to be a valuable asset as I have found that my deeper understanding of myself and my time in treatment have given me a greater understanding of myself and the clients which I have found a great asset in helping clients.
Michael
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